EMOTIONAL SADISM – Do we impose in relationships?

Emotional sadism, a destructive tendency or behaviour, is where a person derives gratification or a sense of authorisation from imposing emotional pain or anguish on others. It is about deploying, demeaning, or creating mental discomfort to the person.

Emotional sadism is often ingrained in the sadist’s insecurities or an extreme desire to control. This causes emotional mutilation, reduced self-esteem and profound psychological agony to the receiver.

To be in a meaningful relationship is the most beautiful thing, but what if the relationship suffers from sadism and mental torture? Is it justified to tolerate and carry on with such an alliance?

The Oxford meaning of Sadism is – ‘Getting pleasure, especially carnal pleasure, from hurting other people.’ A sociopath enjoys inflicting financial, emotional, psychological, and social pain on others.

Besides Sexual sadism and Masochism (where a person draws pleasure from inflicting pain on himself), Emotional and Mental sadism is the most rampant nasty behaviour that smothers people psychologically.

A gentleman visited me with his cute three-year-old son. The child noticed a tiny ant loitering on the floor and immediately squashed the innocent creature under his heavy boots. Before I could react to the shameful act, the father encouraged him to kill a few more. I was stunned at the father’s sadistic attitude and more as he instigated the child for more bloodshed. This heinous childhood bustle might turn the innocent child into a merciless human being or even a ruthless terrorist.

Sadism is undoubtedly not an inborn personality trait or perversion. It is circumstantially and wilfully inculcated in naive minds, forcing them to accomplish what they see and experience. The history of a sadist can be traced to his traumatic and abusive childhood and infantile fantasies. However, this also means that change and growth are possible.

 ‘The day we realise we have monsters inside us, we stop looking for them elsewhere.’

What about the sadistic attitude among the spouses?  Emotional sadism, besides sadistic sexuality, is most detrimental when one partner starts smothering the other’s peace by repetitively nagging and molesting mental harmony and tranquillity. This behaviour may represent – frequent criticism, giving backhand compliments, controlling through guilt or blame, gaslighting and prompting emotional dependence only to withdraw affection.

Avinash Kulkarni suffered pessimism from Sapna, his irritating and annoying wife. The day-to-day bustle and arguments drenched him emotionally. At times, Sapna deliberately rubbed Avinash on the wrong side and aroused the dormant animal, making him aggressive, abusive and sometimes physical. Avinash’s response evoked a deep-seated sadistic pleasure in Sapna, nurturing her ego and assuring her of mentally controlling her husband.

Avinash started non-reacting, avoiding, and coolly walking out of the nasty situation on a counsellor’s advice. Sapna’s attitude improved to this callous attitude as her ego failed to extract the sadistic nourishment.

Emotional sadism is the nastiest mental infliction on a person’s mind and heart. Unfortunately, it is rampant in jobs, schools, colleges, and homes. The extent of mental gratification from emotional sadism spares no one, even the closest relationships. The sadist, at times, doesn’t even know or realise that he is fervently molesting someone. It goes in a stride, on a subconscious level.

‘Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.’

The nasty motive of a sadist is to gain complete and absolute control over the other person, who, in the process, loses one essential quality of life: freedom. Later, a state arrives, like biological commensalism, where the exploiter and the exploited become contented and submissive, and neither can live without the other. The ‘harsh giver’ and the ‘docile receiver’ become equal protagonists of the Sadism story. No one is prepared to budge, and they survive in a compromised and mundane relationship.

A couple had been married for more than fifty years. Their marital journey had been arduous and tortuous, with arguments, fights, ego hassles, and frequent made-up decisions to shelve the marriage. Several times, the bags were packed for a final farewell. However, the marriage survived the bad weather, and despite the sadism and brutality, the partners still endured the alliance. They admitted that despite their fights and disagreements, they couldn’t live without each other—mutual sadism is accepted well, showcasing the complexity of human emotions and relationships.

Making someone feel guilty for an unintentional slipup is another shade of sadism. The sadist manipulates situations that the other person is unable to achieve because of their inaccessibility or physical remoteness. Then, the sadist ruthlessly makes the person guilty because of the in-accomplishment. This kind of action is common – Gaslighting.

In the love arena, many tales of sadistic battles and act-plays are staged. Either of the partners secures birthright access to the other’s psyche and emotional insight, making him a monkey. The sufferer runs around making a hell of a living, trying to quench the sadist’s ego satiety.

No wonder – ‘Man’s excessive love makes a woman his weakness . . . While a woman’s excessive love makes a man her strength.’ It is a beautiful thought, but it is not immune to sadism that may seep in like a virulent infection and ruin the alliance for good.

“Behaving like a Sadist is gruesome – tolerating the wrath of a sadist is awful and emotionally ghastly.”

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